Golden & Silver Excesses

I met a short-haired Joyce while waiting at Zara yesterday. This girl, I spotted not by face but by aura - there are people who have an unmistakable aura about them; it screams with the reckonable force of a banshee. But I digress.

Joyce asked, "Where in the world have you been? We've been worried about you, you know. We miss you."

People missing me? My heart went weak at such a statement. I had to question how true it was.

"Everybody has issues lah. What's been keeping you from church? Army? Or girlfriend?" Smile, smile. I wish.

My disappearing act began on the day I was born, 19 years later, though officially I walked away from the Church 4 months ago. Where were they when I needed them, cried my selfish heart back then. I knew very well where they were but I simply couldn't be bothered to find them. I expected them to come service me, the way they had done when I had first been accepted into their arms.

But no, the new blood must be taken care of. It's an undeniable fact of life that the older brethren are expected to handle themselves in the wake of younger newborns who require more attention. I couldn't handle this. I knew too, that Seven was going to disband and be split up into the new Cells. It was as though my "family" was destined to abandon me.

I am, by nature, an ungrateful person, like most humans; I can't be bothered to count my blessings because nobody really points them out until I'm at the brink of losing them. So being the ingrate that I am, I slipped away from the Saturday meetings and the boresome Sunday sermons; I ditched my family before they could break away and ditch me.

But now, on the brink of losing my true family (and all the blessings that accompany it), the epiphany comes to me. Why strangers from different regions band together and are able to treat each other with such familial bonds. They've already lost their families.

On leaving, did I manage to gain anything useful? No. I smoked maybe one pot of shisha, followed some idiots clubbing and got drunk maybe once - that was about it. No romantic developments or unbreakable friendships to fill the void. (Rather, I think I broke a couple of important friendships in my wake.)

But there's no turning back. I can't go back even if I wanted to. Seven doesn't exist anymore (even if the spirit of the old Cell lives on). I don't want to get to know the new Cell members. I think I would rather bear the burdens of loneliness and repression than bear with the guilt of intentional unfaithfulness to the word of Jesus Christ.

We move on, that's all there is. We dream of next time.

posted by Brian @ 2:45 PM