Believe me
I think that mostly, I have written in the narrative perspective of a "party lifestyle", so a little bird told me. For a change of pace, I'm going to write about myself. Something angsty, though if you have known me long enough, you will know that the angst is channeled elsewhere in an encrypted form.
Since I was born, it was understood and drilled into me that people were not going to like me. If they weren't making fun of my name as they did back then, they are making fun of my family as they are now. As a young 'un I was, or still am, naive. I thought that simple, unobstructive kindness was enough to win over the hearts of schoolmates, colleagues and strangers alike.
What I wasn't prepared for was my insincerity to the execution of kindness.
The army snorted me in and sneezed me into the pits of phelgmy green envy and disdain, altruism be damned. That BMT recourse, Jack said to me. "Do you know how insincere you are?" Insincerity became my middle name. Treated like dirt, all the while having to cover for my army-mentally-challenged buddy, the evils of crass, selfish Singapore were dyed into me with a slow fire.
I still worry about making a good impression. I don't want to fail anybody or let them down. But I have done it, again and again. People, whom in their own conceit, condemn me at my most frustrated and exhausted moments, not knowing how I work, not knowing that the whole fucking unit would probably go haywire were I to cease my work.
I am most afraid that I have allowed this disease to enter my social life; Infected with self-centredness, I am no longer the person who lays out cutlery for everyone, cuts the cake or sends everyone home north, east and west at 4am. Neither am I subtle with my words, I laugh whenever it can be construed as being mean, and I've become less prone to thinking before speaking - resulting in many an awkward silence.
I feel like... nothing can describe me. Unremarkable and unattractive. Like, I'm no alpha male, or suave like Shane or naughty-flirty like Porshee, and I'm certainly not intelligent or talented either. (If you think my driving is good, well, there's a lot of hidden damage to my car!) The only things people can use to describe me are characteristics that are not borne of my own hand, like wealth or dress sense. (Lest you forget that my mom buys most of my clothes, not unlike Lawrence.)
I still worry that I am nothing but a flimsy, insincere facade to these friends of mine. I can't afford to show myself for all that I am - factually, the truth of who I am would be construed as brash, pompous, boastful. The truth of what I am, in my soul - it would break you to know. I could be portrayed as unfillial, irresponsible, uncaring. Who could you point the finger at?
Times of joy - salsa, coffee, games, friends, music - remove me from that evil, but still, it's temporary. At the end of the day, I still return "home" into this madness, stress unreleased, problems unresolved, fists unclenched.
posted by Brian @ 11:08 AM
4 Comments:
of those that consider you a friend, they think this of you?
i don't know, i hope not. this is a massive paranoia that i'm trying to shake off.
there are times i feel helpless, like everything i'm doing is a sham. ever since that person condemned me for being insincere, i take a step forward when trying to define the way i treat my friends, then two steps back because that curse/condemnation rings in my ears, like i'm trying too hard and it's coming off as a rubbishy half-fucked effort.
Hey Eikfeng...
I never ever saw you as an insincere friend. But your insecurity does show sometimes...
You have your good points too, so don't be too dismayed. I'll always remember the time when I was lonely on the dance floor and you remembered to be a friend and danced with me.
There are just times when you have to learn to trust, if not yourself, then trust God, and get rid of the paranoia, however hard it might seem to. Your kindness DOES shine through if you make an effort, but ofcourse then you might start to think about your motive for being kind...if you motive for showing certain kindness is because of gaining friends then it might just be for self-gain; if it's for the sake of making the other person a little happier, then you are being sincere. In the long run nobody CARES what you're wearing (do you know how boring polo t-shirts can get after awhile?)
When you finally find people whom you can trust and consider to be true friends, I'm sure they would see you as you are and accept your faults and shortcomings too.
Alpha-males and flirts are over-rated lar... do you really think people look for all that? And would you want friends who are your friends simply because of all that?
i dont think you're insincere.
--yyrocks. (:
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