The first part of yesterday at Ikea felt like I was behind the TV screen, like I was watching some really corny Channel 8 drama as the kakis of the Enlistees' Mess are wont to do every fucking night. From far I spotted two very familiar people who I mistook for Mediacorp celebrities (but as luck would have it I was such a cock that I clean forgot they were actually from Charis). Probably the bigger catch was spotting Lionel and his girlfriend! I feel sad that he doesn't recognise me, but hey, it's been 1.5 years since ChinaBlack with him, Debbie and myself, hasn't it?
Of course, the drama proper was unfolding right in front of me. She invited me out for tea after I spent the better part of our MSN conversation lamenting about the same old no-friends shit. I would be a fool to say no, right?
Right. When I think of my sensibility, it's like looking into a backed-up toilet.
I have no idea what possessed her to divulge all the lovely details of her last relationship with T. Is it an attempt at explaining a long 5 month silence between us friends? (The phrase "almost-lovers" begs to escape my lips but I shall not speak such filth.) Is it simply catharsis and empathy? Man knows not these things. Nevertheless, a lot of very good points were shared regarding the honesty and comfort between us.
T knows of my existence, T wished that my existence begone from her life. And here I was just thinking, when do I get my Xbox games back?! I feel cheated, I feel outraged that he should have just gallavanted away with her heart when no more than 2 months before, she told me she wasn't up to another tumultous relationship. (But at least it's over.)
Honestly, I still don't completely understand why she tells me, no, not now. My dear friend, you and I, we're the dolts who have to say, "we've waited 3 years now, how long more do we gotta hold on?" Okay, I still understand the bit where people love to complain about a girl who gets together with a rich fucker. No issue there. I also understand when people are afraid of rich fuckers who popularise themselves in every goddamn social circle and are probably sleeping with every father-mother's son (it would be more appropriate to say father mother's daughter but that just ain't the phrase).
But, the latter. LOOK AT ME. The number of genuine friends left here for me, I can count with slightly over a hand. I sure ain't popular, though I wanted to be otherwise. I TRIED, oh I tried to change myself and ask people to help me turn into a loose bastard fucker, but clearly Ben wasn't the scoundrel he appeared to be (LOL!). End of the day, I'm a geek who likes to sit at home, play games and watch DVDs and anime. You can take me to the heart of clubs and smoke, but aside from being dead drunk I don't get much of a rise from that shit. If you can get along with me, I really don't see my active character being the issue, in fact I was much purer last year.
I guess that now, it's too late. I shot myself in the foot by guaranteeing my place of study in Boston. Back then, I thought I had nothing to turn back for, definitely nothing worth staying for. Who would want a relationship with a guaranteed expiry date (assuming that it would not advance into an LDR)?
Furthermore, I've changed, and I think she knows it if she can read me as well as she claims. In this dreary place my heart has long grown cold and disbelieving in the goodness of those of us left in Singapore. I forgot to relate to her what happened at the batch reunion but she probably understands already.
Worst of all, I perfectly imagine myself doing everything that T did. Am I so carefree that I would not be the least bit bothered if she went out with other guys, rich, charming or whatever? It may be possible that I've spent the years training myself against this - after all if I was that bothered, I should be killing every guy in salsa class - but that paranoia is something that reflects parallels with my own personality, and unless I have successfully killed off that paranoia without knowing it...
Le sigh. I'm being altruistic again. Never stopping to think of myself. I really think I'm more in love with the idea of falling in love than love itself.
posted by Brian @ 6:13 PM
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